


misaligned

by goandneverlookback



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, Falling In Love, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:28:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27362770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goandneverlookback/pseuds/goandneverlookback
Summary: I realized nine hundred miles away that I loved her too, but at this point I fear it's too late
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 10
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Maybe a one shot, maybe longer, but what easier pairing to project different timings in affection than t+k. Obligatory disclaimer this isn't about the real t+k, obviously

She folds her knees close to her chest, leaning her head down to rest on them, feeling so small on the almost empty bus as it travels through the big city. Her hands hold the envelope pressed to her chest, close to her heart. It's been two months. Two months and two days. Did she do the right thing? Is it too late now? Because sometimes it seems like she's moved on, she doesn't need her anymore, she's finding someone else. But then sometimes it feels like they're both stuck, neither can move on even as they refuse to acknowledge it, both pretending like everything's fine. But her heart soars as she reads the letter, and her heart clenches tight as she reads the poem over and over with the song playing on repeat. Nine hundred miles away she's realizing she might've missed out on something wonderful because she was too scared to be herself. She's realizing she's falling in love through the letters, that there's one person she'll always lose sleep to talk to, the one notification she never waits to open, the one person who...sees her heart. But it's too late. She told her no twice. It wouldn't be right to turn around and say hey, I know I turned you down, but I cried both times I did it because it tore me up inside, and I know it's probably too much to ask but what do you think about long distance relationships? I miss you. You are the one my heart thinks of. Your name is in my mind but never crosses my lips when people ask why I'm smiling because what if I share you with someone and the magic fades? What if sharing you with someone takes you away from me, even though it's only in words and they have no idea who you are? Why is it that with you, I want to take my heart that's been hidden behind all of the walls I've built around it, and extend it to you, begging you to be gentle with it as I place it in your hands? Tonight I'll pull out a pen and paper, poised and ready, but I know it will take me days to write you back, because what am I supposed to say? When I've finally realized that for me it's you it's you it's you it's you and you no longer feel the same way?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who do you think is who in this bit? Should I continue? Take care of yourselves, loves <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before:  
> From the other perspective, as T falls in love

She fell in love at work, a terrible place to do so. She fell in love with the way the palm of her left hand was always stained purple, faded ink smeared from never remembering anything to write on. She fell in love with the way she interacted with the patients she cared for, the way she joked with them and talked with them and humanized them when the system tried to make them into numbers. She fell in love with the stupid little things she did, the constant stream of movement through an otherwise settled body. The heart that was falling in love began to ache when fall came. She saw her outside of work, saw the way she stayed so closed off to the outside world even when she would be so kind and vulnerable with the strangers she cared for. Her heart would ache when she would see the way anxiety riddled her small frame, lacking the collected cool of work. She fell in love with the powerhouse she worked with and she fell in love with the tender guarded heart behind the scenes. She fell in love when she would get the smiles she knew were only for her, the ones that grew after time and time spent connecting. She fell in love with the banter and the playful insults and the ease with which they began to interact. She fell in love with an aching heart as she reminded her to settle down, to take a break, work will survive while you take the time to eat something. She fell in love as she could see her disappearing from the world. She could see the growing shadows beneath her eyes, the way her scrubs hang even a little looser than before, the way her energy was more manic and scattered than intense and focused. She could see her hanging on by threads, but whenever she would ask...Distance between them grew, but she still couldn't help falling in love. Distance grew between the girl she was falling in love with and the world around her, consumed with the feeling of responsibility for someone who would take and take and take until she had nothing left to give. And her heart aches as it falls in love and she wonders to what depths will she pull from herself to help someone who needs it but isn't interested in helping herself. She still falls in love with her as she goes quiet for a few weeks, somber, regaining the self she had lost. She falls even faster when the light begins to come back to her eyes, as the winter chill flushes her cheeks, the way her energy begins to pulse with life again. She falls over and over and over as the winter begins to warm to spring, and things are _good_ , and she dates to mention the way she feels. She falls in love and it feels like a punch to the gut as she sees months, years of progress stripped away before her eyes, and she can't blame her for saying no when the pillar of strength she asked out has peeled away to a quaking child, shaking with the weight of expectations set upon her and the consequences of what happens if they are not met. Both of their hearts ache through the few days of cover-up before beginning to bounce back. She can't help the way her her heart still falls in the little moments, and so she waits. She waits and she waits and then when spring comes, everything falls apart, for everyone. Everyone has their own fears and their own struggles but her heart aches to see her hanging on by threads again, desperation hiding just behind her eyes. Her heart falls in love as they grow closer, even as she pushes her further away. She falls in love despite the back and forth and back and forth as she watches the stress eat away at her. She falls in love when those eyes land on her and they settle, like they know they're safe here. She falls in love again and again and maybe this time it seems like there's something there, and she asks, and she doesn't know the tear stains on the other girls cheeks, tracing a path to her pillow. She doesn't know the way she wonders night after night, what would've happened if she'd said yes. She doesn't know they way her arms ached to wrap around her the last night she was there, that the hug they shared was much too short, that her arms still ache to wrap around her again. She doesn't know the way she holds her letters tight, clinging to the only person she can still connect to, a gentle warmth in a cold lonely world. She doesn't know the way she wants to say, have you moved on? I miss you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From Trixie's perspective as she falls in love with Katya, because I love the picture Awn painted in my brain. Be gentle with yourselves today, loves <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And she wonders if T ever thinks of her the way she thinks of T

I wonder if you think of me the way I think of you. I wonder if you think of me when you make your morning cup of tea. I wonder if you use the mug I got you, because I saw it with it's pink and blue and purple floral, and I thought of you, in all of your big bisexual glory, and your love for everything floral, like it was waiting for me to find it for you. I wonder if you think about me, and I wonder if you know the times I've wandered down the aisle of mugs, the times I've stopped and look at the ones that insulate much better, might actually keep my coffee warm, and I wonder if you know that my heart won't let me buy any of those, because I have the one you gave me, the one I might use forever, because it means at one point, you were thinking of me. There's a part of me that wants to make a graphic of the poem you wrote me, set it as my phone background so I can see it all the time. But there is an overwhelming feeling to keep you to myself here, not to let anyone know about you, because I fear the moment I would open my mouth, my heart would be written across my face. I wonder if you know the distaste in my mouth on the occasions I've mentioned you in passing, because the word friend seems so inadequate for the amount of sway you have over my heart. It seems to discredit you. I wonder if you know you're the only person I don't lie to about how I'm doing. I wonder if you know you're the only person who can get away with reminding me to eat. I wonder if you know you're the only person to hear me sing since her, and all the damage she did to my heart. I wonder if you know the way I can never wait to hear from you, the way I read your letters over and over again. I wonder if you know the way my heart sinks every time we find something more in common, the way that back burner thought flames up, reminding me I let a good one go. I wonder if you know the number of times I've wanted to cry, confessing how bone deep lonely I am here, begging you to tell me you still feel the way you did before. But I have no right to feel all these things, not when I was the one who said no, I was the one who broke both our hearts, I was the one who moved nine hundred miles away. I am the one to blame, and I should not be the one to wonder. I should leave you alone, maybe. I can feel myself pulling away from everyone else, why should I not pull away from you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hugs to you all <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a two in the morning spiral for K, and a morning of clarity

I'm sorry, that I realized I loved you as I'm falling apart. I'm sorry, for the letters you'll never read but that I still feel like I've disappointed you with. I'm sorry, for the way I know you'd worry if I ever told you. Worry more, I should say, because you know me so well I know you worry anyways, that you can peek inside me when no one else can. I'm sorry, for the way I pull back when everything seems to be too much. I'm sorry that this is the way I've been and I'm sorry that I'm sitting here doing nothing and I can feel my heart pounding and my head is spinning and my hands are shaking and I know that this is my doing. I'm sorry, that I can feel my body trying to hold on as I abuse it over and over again. I'm sorry, that I'm stuck in this relentless cycle that I never realize I'm slipping back into until things are bad again. I'm sorry, that this has haunted me since I was a child, and that I've never said anything to you, because I know you'd notice and you'd try to stop me, that you'd worry, and there's a part of me that says you'd look at me and think me a fool, that I'm not good enough at this, like I'm not good enough at anything. I'm sorry I'll never be good enough for anything. 

I wrote you a letter, three letters at once to be specific. The seal came loose and you received nothing but an empty envelope. Maybe it's a sign, because one of the letters was riddled with hints of my affection, because I was tired, because I was lonely, because I missed you a little more than I should've. But things are okay now, and maybe it's time for me to move on. Maybe it's time for me to let you go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love you all <3


	5. Chapter 5

I only want to do Christmas if I can do Christmas with you.

But I can't. Because I am nine hundred miles away and you are moving on. You like her now, even though you wish you didn't. I wish I could make it hurt less for you. I almost wish I could make it hurt less for me when you tell me about her. But I don't. Because the pain isn't bad. It means you're moving on. And that's good. And the pain feels a little deserved, maybe more than a little some days. For not loving you when I had the chance. For leaving. 

The holidays are coming sooner than it feels like they should. Thanksgiving is past and Christmas music plays on the radio. I'm sorry I couldn't love you in March when I was planning to be dead by the end of December. The people around me talk about putting up their Christmas tree, decorating it with their families. I've long since lost my interest in holidays, the joy stamped out by periods of misery and abuse. So it's odd when I picture my old apartment in the city that we shared, a Christmas in the corner, decorating with you and sharing hot chocolate. I made Christmas cookies and I'm going to send them to you but I wish you could've been there making them with me. I think the winter softens me, with the chill in the air urging people closer to stay warm. I like myself better here, and I wonder if you would too. I'll send you a Christmas card, even though my heart stops with every letter you send, even though my letters have gotten more spaced out, because sometimes I don't know what to say to you now. I see cute pictures of couples in their matching holiday pajamas and while I know we'd both laugh at how cheesy and stupid it is, I think I could've talked you into it. The holidays are always hard, because of painful memories and getting older and countless other reasons I don't need to share right now. But I never imagined holidays would be hard because they weren't spent with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fact that coffee makes your period worse should be considered cruel and unusual punishment. Love you all <3


End file.
